How to Love Yourself – 15 Practical Ways to Self-Love

Who is most important person for you in the whole world? Who will always be with you through thick and thin? Who will love you no matter what ? This is the person who will never cheat on you and never leave you at any cost. However, if you don’t give enough love, kindness and care, that person may get upset or annoyed with you. Let me warn you. You can’t afford to offend that individual. The cost of such negligence is very high. So you better take very good care of the most beautiful person you have ever known or else be ready to face the dire consequences.

Your relationship with yourself is most important of all the relations you ever had and you will very have. The quality of your life depends on it. This article is an earnest effort to help you rejuvenate love within this wonderful relationship you have with yourself.

WHAT IS SELF-LOVE

Some people literally hate the idea of loving themselves because they identify it with narcissism, arrogance, egotism and superiority complex. This is a common misconception even in people who feel the need to love themselves but refrain from doing so because they consider it morally wrong. Aristotle also mentioned this impression that, “people criticize those who like themselves most, and call them by the deraogatory term ‘self-lovers’”.

This is an utter misrepresentation of the self-love we are talking about. Loving yourself means accepting yourself as who you are, without any judgment. However narcissism or arrogance is being obsessed with excessive admiration of oneself while at the same time considering other people inferior. Self-love is the source of self-respect, self-esteem and emotional well-being. Narcissism is the cause of egomania and absence of empathy for others. Actually, they are quite different.

Loving oneself is the starting point of the growth of the person who feels the courage to take responsibility for their own existence.

Victor Frankl

Loving yourself is being kind to yourself. It is respecting the self-worth, fulfilling the needs, acknowledging the flaws and forgiving the mistakes. But it does not mean to be lazy, careless or irresponsible. Self-love does not entail avoiding uncomfortable situations, difficult conversations and undesired realities of life. It is about accepting the challenge to face the adversities and taking action to overcome them. Self-love is pre-requisite to living a peaceful, happy and fulfilling life.

15 PRACTICAL WAYS: HOW TO LOVE YOURSELF

Loving yourself is more than just a state of mind—it also reflects in a series of actions and habits that you embed into your everyday life. Action is another dimension of loving yourself besides words. Love is noun but more importantly, love is also a verb. It is something we do, not just feel. So in order to experience love for someone else or even for yourself, you have to act. Let’s find out what specific actions you can take and what practices you can adopt to nourish self-loving attitude.

Here are 15 powerful way to help you learn how to love yourself:

1. Learn to Forgive

Forgiveness is the most beautiful gift you can give to yourself. This is true for both; forgiving others as well as forgiving yourself.

The more you think and feel about something, the stronger the brain’s neuron connections become and even more you start thinking and feeling about it. If you keep repeating the thoughts of a painful experience, those thoughts will reinforce the pain and make you angry, frustrated and hateful. The solution to free yourself from pain of past trauma and hurt is forgiveness. It is an antidote to emotional wounds. Love and forgiveness are two companions that complement each other. Where there is one, you will also find the other.

Our ego doesn’t want us to forgive. It wants to hold on to the hurt, hate and desires to take revenge. It does not know how to forgive. It also does not know why to forgive. Allow me to explain, why.

The more you forgive others, the easier it becomes for you to forgive yourself.

Forgive for your own sake, not for someone else. It is the most beautiful gift you could give to yourself. Forgiveness can free you from the negative influence of the past. It will heal your emotional wounds and make you peaceful and calm. It carries tremendous health and social benefits. Dr. Everett L. Worthington from Virginia Commonwealth University in his extensive research on forgiveness found that it has benefits such as high self-esteem, better moods, and happier relationships. Therefore, forgive because you need to move on, not hold on to the pain and suffering of the past. This is good enough reason to crush your ego by giving unconditional forgiveness to others. You even don’t need to tell them about it. Forgive in your heart and enjoy the magical benefits of this powerful spiritual practice.

2. Silence Your Inner Critic

We are the most severe critics of ourselves. This is true for majority of us. The reason may be the culture and upbringing because we receive too much criticism and too little praise throughout our lives. If you talk to your friend the way you talk to yourself in your mind, your friendship may finish right there.

We humans are negativity biased. Negative things attract us more than the positive ones. Negative events seem more exciting. We remember criticism much longer than the praise. When it comes to evaluating ourselves, we even don’t consider small achievements and good behaviors praiseworthy. However if we do something wrong no matter how tiny it is, we keep condemning ourselves in our minds for days and weeks.

This behavior needs to change for harnessing the love of self. A little bit of inner reflection and self-accountability is required for learning and growth. However, excessive self-condemnation and constant criticism act as poison to self-love.  Therefore, learn to stop negative self-talk. The best way is to be mindful of your own thinking. Meditation could be very helpful for increasing self awareness. Whenever you catch yourself thinking negative and self-depreciating thoughts, immediately replace them with positive ones.

Treat yourself like your best friend. Nudge him whenever you want. Challenge him to do uncomfortable things. Laugh at him as well as with him when he does blunders. Don’t take him too serious.  Use criticism to motivate him, not to downgrade him. Practice self-compassion and be more kind to yourself just like you would be with your best buddy.

3. Let Go of Your Reputation

Reputation is what other people know about you. Honor is what you know about yourself.

LOIS MCMASTER BUJOLD

With due apology from Bujold, I would like to alter this quote a bit.  “Your reputation is how people perceive you and your honor is how you perceive yourself”. Our whole sense of reality is based on perception. The perception is most powerful tool if used appropriately and most destructive if not taken care of. So let go of your reputation in other people’s minds because it is merely their perception. It belongs to them. Their perceptions about you are coming from their own beliefs, their knowledge, past experiences & observations about you and others. They can’t define you because they have no idea who you actually are. Their judgments can only define themselves, not you. As American Cartoonist Alison Bechdel said this beautifully:

Whatever we say, we’re always talking about ourselves.

In fact, your reputation does not belong to you. It belongs to those who hold it in their minds. They may criticize you, try to embarrass you, put labels on you or may consider you an idiot. How people define you is of lesser importance than how you define yourself. Nothing matters more than your opinion about yourself. Don’t borrow your opinion from others. Try to make yourself above any of that. Remember that you are soon going to die so they don’t matter anyway. When you realize impermanence of this world, you will get to know that your reputation is not really that important.

The trick is not caring what everybody thinks of you and just caring about what the right people think of you.

Brian Michael Bendis

As regards your own perception, it is within your control.  Never perceive yourself as stupid, incompetent, ugly or insignificant. Stop your inner chatter as soon as you realize that you are thinking destructive thoughts. Create a powerful positive picture in your mind of a person deserving of love and respect. Visualize yourself as someone you aspire to be. Don’t be shy or reluctant to dream big about your future self and your desired place in society.

4. Keep Promises to Yourself

There are two kinds of promises we make with ourselves. First are the immediate commitments with the self; they are in the form of routines, habits, schedules, and disciplines we decide to follow on day to day basis. These could be waking up early, daily workout, reading a book every week, cleaning your room, abstaining from junk food, completing an assignment by certain date, or any short-term goal you set in your mind. The second form of promises to yourself comes from the values and principles that you decide to live by. They could be being trustworthy, respectful, abstinence from foul language, never cheating, keeping your words and any other traits that define your character.

 It is critical to fulfill both forms of promises to become more loving towards yourself. You may ask, ‘why? what is the connection between love and self-commitments?’ Let me tell you the reason.  Will you respect someone who does not keep his words? Neither do I. Then how can we respect ourselves if we can’t even trust ourselves to do the things we say we are going to do. When we don’t keep our own words, then respecting ourselves is out of question.

But what respect has to do with loving yourself? A lot. Respect comes first and love comes afterwards. It is not possible to love someone without respecting them. Your love implies that you have respect for the person you love. Therefore, you must build credibility with yourself by becoming self-disciplined and living by your values.

When we don’t keep promises, we not only lose respect in eyes of other people, but we also lose respect for ourselves. Therefore fulfill promises you make with yourself and others. Become a responsible human being.  Never break your own trust. Do not do anything you will regret later. It could be not waking up early, missing your exercise, having casual sexual encounter or whatever it is that is against your principles. Do those things that will make you feel proud and satisfied in the long term. In short, live with integrity.

5. Take Care of Your Needs

We care for the people we love the most. So taking care of yourself comes natural if you truly love yourself. In order to become more self-loving, you need to fulfill your important needs. Our needs come from four different dimensions i.e. physical, mental, spiritual and emotional.  Let’s briefly talk about each one of them:

Physical Needs: Our body is the temple where our soul resides. It is the most prominent aspect of our existence. Our body demands high maintenance to keep functioning at optimal level. Ask yourself the following questions in order to know if you are fulfilling your physical needs:

• Am I taking sufficient amount of sleep? (6 to 8 hours)

• Am I eating balanced, healthy and nutritious diet at least 5 days a week? (More veggies, fruits, pulses, less meat, less sugar/salt, 8 glasses of water)

• Am I doing enough physical activity every day? (30 minutes of: Exercise, jog, hiking, trekking or cycling)

• Am I maintaining good personal hygiene? (Basic Hygiene: Daily shower, brushing teeth, washing hands before eating & after toilet. regular trimming nails & hair, daily changing socks & undergarments etc.)

Mental Needs: Mind is like any other muscle in the body. As our body needs physical exercise, our mind also requires mental exercise to remain in good shape. If we don’t exercise our mental muscle, it deteriorates and does not work efficiently either affecting our creativity or memory. Here are a few suggestions to keep your mind active and young through continuous learning:

• Read at least one non-fiction book every month
• Listen to podcast or audio books during commute
• Take online courses & attend seminars to improve your skills
• Watch documentaries on topics that interest you

Spiritual Needs: We are more than our bodies. Pierre Teilhard de Chardin beautifully said, ‘we are spiritual beings having a human experience’. If we remain busy in fulfilling our physical needs and ignore our spiritual needs, it will take away serenity, true joy and deep satisfaction that comes with living a purposeful life. We can renew our spiritual dimension through following activities:

• Practice daily meditation for at least 20 minutes (Believe me, it is easier than you think and worth it)
• Practice gratitude for anything and everything in your life
• Connect with the higher divine power (either through your religious practices, or spend time in nature)
• Get involved with some charity to help poor and needy people

Emotional Needs: These are our psychological needs we have to fulfill in order to live joyous and fulfilling lives. The important emotional needs are love, attention, belongingness and the need to have a purpose. If we don’t recognize and fulfill our emotional needs, they are going to create enormous troubles in all areas of our lives. We can fulfill emotional needs through:

• Maintaining healthy relationship with family members
• Nurturing trustworthy friendships
• Joining social groups and communities
• Setting goals (either small or large) and making efforts to achieve them

The ultimate form of self-love is taking very good care of yourself. When you love yourself, you endeavor to grow physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. You make effort to appear and feel your best by nurturing your body, mind and spirit. These practices may seem simple, but they send a very direct and powerful message to your subconscious mind that you are worthy of being cared for!

6. Get Rid of Toxic People

You do a disservice to yourself if you remain around the people who are disrespectful, cynical, unappreciative, mocking and hateful. Don’t get me wrong. We need people in our lives who are courageous enough to show us the mirror and identify our mistakes in a constructive way.  However, there should be no tolerance for the discouraging people who want to drag us down into misery and spread negativity into our minds and lives.

Delete, unfollow, unfriend, block, erase and disconnect form anyone and anything that robs you of your peace, love and happiness. Not just on social media, but in real life too. You don’t need to be around people who don’t see and appreciate your value.

Don’t let your loneliness make you reconnect with toxic people. You should not drink poison just because you are thirsty.

Besides toxic people, unhealthy and non-nourishing environments also affect your capacity to love yourself. The people in such environment may not be cruel towards you, but their thinking, perceptions and attitude about different issues may be unhealthy. They may be negative, judgmental, lazy, non-supportive, pessimistic or chronic complainers. Their negative energy will influence your thinking and behavior. Get away from those people and environment where such behaviors are dominant in the culture.  

7. Send Love to Your Body

How to love yourself when you body is not ideal? How to love yourself when you don’t look the way you want to? How to love yourself when you don’t like anything you see in the mirror? Certainly, it is challenging to love and accept yourself when you have nothing to be proud of. But is it really the case? Do you actually have nothing to appreciate yourself? You probably have a lot of things to appreciate. But you may be unable to see them because the benchmark and standard you have set for beauty and attractiveness is very high.

In fact, the standard for physical appearance we have been persuaded to believe is the real culprit because it is unrealistic. It has been given to us by advertising industry and social media. You may have pimpled face, bald head, disorganized teeth, skinny or fat body. What these things tell about you? Nothing. You are much more than your body.  You will be told that your body isn’t slim enough, your face isn’t pretty enough or your personality isn’t charming enough. The idea of perfect body sold by corporate advertising media is unreasonable and rooted in vested financial interests.  I bet there is not a single person on this planet who does not hate something about their physical appearance, even the people we admire for their good looks.

If you are finding it difficult to accept your physique for its apparent unattractiveness and feeling embarrassed about it, then you need to learn to love your body. As you may recall that love is a verb, thus solution to your problem lies in radical acceptance. Instead of hating yourself for having an imperfect body, stand in front of mirror (yes, naked), look at the aspect of your body you do’t like, feel love in your heart for that body part and express love towards it. Gently touch that body part with your hand and transfer your loving energy into it. Do this practice daily for 30 days and see how your hate transforms into acceptance and appreciation.

But you may ask the question, what if I could overcome my flaws? Why should I send love to those aspects of my body I really hate and want to change? This becomes paradoxical that you love some part of your body and still want to change it. But contrary to popular belief, loving something does not necessarily mean holding onto it. You can love it and let it go. Instead of fighting the ugly aspects, change them with love, if possible.  It is like convincing someone to do something for you by expressing your love towards them. We do this all the time. Thus express love to accept, change, improve and grow, not just your body but your whole character and personality.

8. Express Your Authentic Self

Expressing your authentic self means sharing you true feelings, thoughts, ideas, opinions and needs where it really matters. Becoming authentic also means not trying to fit in, not pretending to be someone else just to please others or to be accepted in a group or society. However, be aware that genuineness and authenticity does not endorse being blunt, loud or disrespectful to others.

When you hide you authentic self, you actually say to your true self; ‘you are unworthy, you are unlovable, you are unacceptable, you don’t deserve to be you, therefore I will keep you hidden from the world’. How can you love yourself if you are sending such messages to your subconscious mind?

Becoming authentic is no doubt challenging as we are not encouraged to be authentic. People are compelled to hide their true feelings, thoughts and opinions. There is great amount of risk of rejection, ridicule and condemnation for daring to be yourself. One of my all time favorite quotes is from Ralph Waldo Emerson: “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”

Expressing our real thoughts and feelings makes us vulnerable to judgments, criticism and disapproval. It makes us uncomfortable. It becomes even more difficult when there is pressure to conform to the norms, where conformity is considered a virtue and uniqueness a vice as if being different is a curse or a disease.

If you try to hide your true self due to shame and embarrassment, you are exposing yourself to even more shame. The best way to get rid of shame is to face it. Express what make you feel embarrassed. In this way, it will lose power over you.

The most important trait required for authenticity is courage; and courage is built by small courageous acts on consistent basis. Being authentic is a continuous process. It takes consistent tiny acts of authenticity that can transform you into a genuine and authentic person. Find the small opportunities to express your authenticity on day to day basis. It requires a lot of courage, emotional strength, patience and high tolerance for discomfort. Start challenging yourself to handle the discomfort, judgments and dislike of other people by behaving and acting in authentic ways as often as possible.

9. Give Yourself First-Class Treatment

Try to go first-class whenever you can whether you are travelling, dining out, buying new clothes or carrying yourself in a social gathering. Don’t deprive yourself of best experiences of life. Be generous towards yourself. Allow yourself to enjoy good things in life wherever possible.

 Don’t get me wrong. It is not about money, it is the mindset of prioritizing yourself. This has nothing to do with flying first class when you can merely afford economy. I am not encouraging you to go beyond your means. Of course, you should take wise financial decisions and only buy things you can easily afford. If you get yourself into burden of huge debt in order to experience luxury, it will do more harm than benefit in the long run.

Most people are so cruel to themselves that if they think about and treat others the same way as they do to themselves, their relationship could get in deep trouble. The best gift you can give to anybody is time and attention. Ask yourself, are you giving enough time to yourself? Do you treat yourself the same way as someone you love? Do you fulfill your needs; do you pamper yourself when you are feeling down? Let the answers to these questions guide you because these are the best ways to give yourself first class treatment.

10. Stop Comparing Yourself with Others

When we compare ourselves to others, we are most likely to get disappointed. We will always come across someone who is better than us in one way or another. The dilemma of comparison is that we mostly tend to focus on people who are more wealthy, good looking or famous, instead of those who are less privileged than us.

You could argue that comparison is good thing because it motivates us to do better, work harder and achieve more. In theory, yes. However in reality, this comparison thing makes us feel jealous, negative and complaining. This either discourages us to make any effort or encourages us to use dubious means to reach upto the level of people we compare with.

The only comparison you should make with your past self. See how far you have come and how far you could go.

Comparison is a big NO for people who love themselves. It deprives us of the peace of mind. It demands us to suppress our authentic self and try to be someone else. Comparison is actually the worst form of non-loving attitude towards self. Although you can get inspiration from others but you cannot become exactly like anyone else. Instead of looking outward, find support, encouragement and motivation from within. Define goals and targets based on your own purpose that originates from inside, instead of adopting success criteria from other people or society.

11. Embrace Your Imperfections

I am imperfect so are you. This is an undeniable fact. We have physical imperfections, cognitive deficiencies and emotional weakness. You may not be as good looking as you want to be. You may not be as competent as needed to understand everything around you. You may see yourself emotionally weak and vulnerable.

There is no need to fight with yourself for such imperfections. They are normal. Our imperfections make us human. Accept the imperfections of life. There will be times when you will not like some aspect of your life. That is fine. No need to sweat the small stuff and be upset about it. There will be times when you feel guilt and regrets for your past behaviors. Let go of it. Embrace the part of you that is pessimistic, lazy, depressed, violent, crude and offensive. Instead of fighting it, try to change it with love and compassion.

Our imperfections make us perfect. We are perfectly imperfect.

Let me be honest with you. People will be cruel in their opinions, critical in their judgments and attacking in their responses. They will not leave any opportunity to bring you down. You have to be mentally prepared for this. Whenever someone points out a flaw or criticize you for any mistake, instead of getting angry, defensive or depressed, acknowledge their feedback. Tell them that their opinion may be valid.  Afterwards, evaluate the feedback and start working on the aspects you can improve, and let go of those which are out of your control.

However, don’t judge yourself all the time. Become more compassionate towards your flaws as you would be with your loved ones. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Be at peace with your imperfect self and love him unconditionally. Accept the child within along with its blemishes. See yourself as a child looking for unconditional love, support and guidance from the adult version of you.

12. Pursue Your Goals

Our goals create meaning in our lives. When we work on our goals, we feel that we are doing something worthwhile. Our sense of self-worth comes from doing the work we think is important. Goals have magical power that fills us with enthusiasm, passion and energy.

When you will set some inspiring goals for yourself, they will make you feel alive and vibrant. These goals don’t need to be world changing, although the bigger the better. However, you can simply set small daily, weekly and monthly goals in the areas of your profession, health, relationships, spirituality, finances, hobbies and anything that deserves your time and attention. Define specific outcome, set target date and make a schedule to work on the goal.

Every time you take action and achieve something, it builds confidence in you. Whether you are able to achieve the goal or not, the mere pursuit of an important goal will create joy, excitement and inspiration into your life. The process of pursuing goals will make you love your life and ultimately make you love yourself.

13. Make Fun Time a Priority

The ultimate purpose of living a good life is to enjoy it. If you are doing everything to earn more money, achieve bigger goals and acquire respectable status in the society but not prioritizing time to have fun and enjoyment, then you are missing out big.

Keep your inner child alive who enjoys each and every moment and don’t wait for something to happen to experience the beauty of life. Do not deprive yourself of little pleasures in pursuit of grand vision. Instead learn to keep them aligned. There is a powerful concept I learned from Vishen Lakhiani of Mindvalley. He talks about the delicate balance of ‘Happy in the Now’ and ‘Vision for the Future’. You must have goals as we discussed earlier but your happiness should not depend on those goals. Actually, your current level of happiness make it more probably that you would be able to achieve your long term goals.

You may be wondering what fun time I am talking about? No, this is not about attending a grand concert or going on world tour. Although I am not ruling them out either, I am referring to subtle forms of fun and joy. This could be pursuing a hobby, playing a music instrument, watching your favorite movie, trying a different restaurant, visiting a new city, going on a long walk with an old friend, spending evening in the garden reading your favorite novel or anything that rejuvenates your spirit and refills your ’emotional energy tank’.

14. Celebrate Your Achievements

It is irony of the modern world that we are so keen on accumulating money, medals and titles that we have no time to enjoy the fruits of our efforts. There is even a bigger irony that we refuse to consider small progress, tiny successes and little gains any achievement at all. We are not ready to settle for less than the best. That looks good on surface but it is not sensible to throw out the ‘good enough’ in search of the best.

Be happy on little progress and celebrate the small achievements. Give yourself credit for tiny improvements you make in any area of your life. Reward yourself in some way every time you do something good. The little successes often become the stairs for great accomplishments. Every new achievement is built on the foundations of your earlier triumphs. Therefore, make it a practice to recognize the progress you are making no matter how small it is. If the growth remains consistent, you will receive compound effect of your small wins. These little victories could soon turn out to be astonishing success you may have never even imagined before.

15. Maintain a Compliment File

Create a compliment file and write down every compliment you receive in this file. Review your compliment file at least once in a month, especially when you are feeling down.

When someone praises you for something, don’t respond in a way to lessen it. Do not say that you are not that special, or everyone can do that etc. Learn to accept praise with dignity. Express your acknowledgment by saying ‘thank you’.

Another way to receive compliment is by giving compliment. But it must be genuine. Praise people generously. Make someone’s day by expressing true affection toward them. Bring smile on someone’s face and make their day. Instead of being overly self-conscious, find little things to compliment others. It could be a dress, shoes, watch, or their smile. It could be their knowledge, an opinion, a presentation or any achievement.  If you pay attention, you will find multiple reasons to compliment others because everyone has something unique or special about them. When you try to create joy into people’s lives, it will come back to you. This is divine karma.

A FEW WORDS OF CAUTION

As you begin the wonderful journey towards learning how to love yourself and start showing signs of self-love by carrying yourself with self-respect and dignity, this may make some people feel uncomfortable and even threatened. They are used to a person who is self-depreciating, have no self-respect and does not stand up for himself. Therefore, it may be difficult for them to accept a transformed version of you in the beginning.  They may try to ‘put you in your place’. They may criticize you, ridicule you and make you feel inferior in your own eyes, just to avoid their own discomfort.

You have to be cautious of such treatment. Don’t take any of this personal. No need to fight back. Just smile, send love towards them and know in your heart that their discomfort is coming from their inability to accept a new version of you. Overtime, they will learn to accept your new identity and become comfortable with it.

I congratulate you for embarking on this amazing journey towards discovering a wonderful, worthy and lovable person within you.

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