How to Control Your Emotions?

Assume you are my business partner and I ask you to present a business proposal to a potential customer. This is your best opportunity to take our company to the next level. The presentation goes well and you are very hopeful to receive a positive response from the customer.

When you don’t get any feedback after a couple of days, you become anxious. You ask yourself; why have not they responded yet? Finally you receive a call which you take with mixed feelings of optimism and fear. The customer requests for another meeting in their office.

On your way to the meeting, you are still feeling hopeful to close the deal. Unfortunately, you get stuck in traffic jam and are desperate to reach on time because you don’t want to leave a bad impression. You feel very frustrated, miserable and helpless in that situation.

When you reach the meeting venue, you feel embarrassed and apologize for being late. You are told that your competitor has made a better offer to them. They will only accept your deal if you lowers your prices otherwise they will go with competitor’s offer. A feeling of discomfort runs through your mind and body. With a bit of disappointment, you promise to respond with a better proposal.

On the way back, you are shivering with the emotions of anger and hate for your competitor who always try to spoil your best opportunities. You remain in a state of sadness during the evening. In the next morning, you discuss a possible change in the proposal with your business partner who happens to be me. I simply reject your idea, can you guess why? Because I know that you brought in too much emotion in this business transaction. In the end, our competitor finally gets the deal and you Mr. Emotional could do nothing except feeling jealous and a desire for revenge in your heart.

Now, who says there are no emotions in the business world?

Actually every one of us is Mr. or Ms. Emotional because we are emotional creatures. Everything we do, we do it for emotional reasons. Emotions are the driving force behind all our actions. In fact, most of our decisions and actions in our professional and personal lives that we think are logical and rational; they are actually triggered by our emotional needs.

How are you feeling right now? Happy, sad, boring, frustrated, anxious, shameful, guilty, angry, fearful, jealous, doubtful, hateful, calm, adventurous, romantic, hopeful or in love ? Try to observe the emotion that you are experiencing at this moment through your mind and body. These are some common emotions that we feel repeatedly on daily basis during our whole lifetime.

No one wants to feel sad, angry, boring, guilty, jealously, shame or fear. All we want are the feelings of bliss, peace, joy, gratitude, love, hope, kindness, excitement. There are hundreds of positive and negative emotions that we feel each day which constantly swing our mood. But we are hardly aware of more than a few of them.

SOURCES OF EMOTIONS

If we don’t want to feel the negative emotions, then why do we experience them? There are two sources that create emotions, one is external, our environment, and the other is internal, our own thought patterns. A bad news on television may make you sad, angry or even depressed. In the similar way, when you think about a positive event from your childhood, it instantly lightens up your mood.

I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.

OSCAR WILDE

Why everyone wants to have a lot of money and desires to become millionaire or billionaire? Does this money or even the things that the money can be used to buy, have any worth? No there is no intrinsic value in money by itself. It is just a piece of paper or few digits in your bank account. But it can provide you the experiences you want. A big luxurious house, a new car, a successful career, a beautiful partner a lot of fame or power, these things give people comfort, social status and significance which eventually makes them feel good, happy and excited. So the ultimate purpose of all our achievements is to experience the strong positive emotions.

But what if a person after having all the success, is constantly hijacked by negative emotions just like anger, fear, jealousy, frustration, hate or depression? Then what is the point of having all the success and wealth. When we leave ourselves on the mercy of external circumstances and don’t manage our own thoughts and behaviors, then any person or situation can pull our emotional plugs.

Remember that the quality of our life is directly dependent on the quality of emotions that we feel on regular basis. So it is necessary to develop inner emotional resilience to improve real standard of our living. Because our life standard is not determined just by the material things we have, it is more dependent on the quality as well as type of emotions that we experience at each and every moment of our life.

HOW TO CONTROL EMOTIONS

The first step to develop emotional control and become emotionally resilient is to increase the awareness of emotions that we regularly feel especially negative emotions and then acknowledge them. Try to feel any emotions in your body and mind. Observe how they are affecting you and changing your state of mind. When we know what we are going through mentally, psychologically and physically, we can react to those circumstances in a better way.

Any negative emotion we feel is there for a reason. It is not a problem itself rather it is a signal for something unpleasant that has affected us. So never suppress any emotion because if you try to keep it under the carpet, it will explode someday and may pop out at an awkward moment. Try to identify the source of that emotion. Where is it coming from? Is it created by any external factor, an undesired event, a negative situation, a person’s behavior or you are feeling it because of your own negative thinking about past or future. Once you identify the source, then deal with the cause of that emotion instead of suppressing it.

The emotions created by external factors can be managed by interpreting in a way that is beneficial for us and then respond to them appropriately. Most of the time, our first reaction to any situation is not based on rationale but it is an emotional reaction. Why this happens? Because an average person’s emotional part of the brain which is called ‘limbic system’ is over six billion times more active than the prefrontal cortex which is thinking part of the brain.Daniel Kahneman in his famous book Thinking Fast and Slow explain it as system 1 and system 2. System 1 is the initial automatic response to any situation without use of cognitive function whereas the system 2 is the processing of any thought, idea or situation in a rational way using analytical thinking capabilities of the mind. One mind by design is lazy prefer to solve issues with system 1. That’s why you may have observed that our first reaction to any situation (positive or negative) is mostly emotional.

The Power to Respond

But we always have the power to react to any situation or event the way we want. It is our ‘ResponseAbility’ meaning our ability to respond in a way that is beneficial for us. There is a stimulus, an action, and there is a response to that stimulus, a reaction. Between this stimulus and response, there is a gap where you decide how you are going to react. That gap gives you the real power to choose your reaction which no one can take away from you.

• When someone says something nasty about you, it is your choice to become angry and abusive in return OR respond with a warning OR don’t give him a dime of your precious attention because your worth does not depend on how they think, feel or what they say about you.
• If you had an accident, It is your choice to curse yourself for poor driving OR quietly accept mistake, learn from it and make a vow not to repeat it.
• If you receive a bad new, it is your option to react initially with denial and then with deep sorrow and grief for a long period of time OR accept the reality as the God’s plan by mustering up your inner courage and strengt and move on with your life.
• If you have been robbed, it is completely your preference on whether you keep hating the robber for days and months to come or just shrug it off by telling yourself that there is no use to mourn over what can’t be reversed.

You always have the choice to respond to all these negative situations the way you want. It is within your control, within your power, within your authority to react whatever way you want to feel and experience. The choice is absolutely yours. This is the starting point of mastering your emotional control.

HOW TO DEVELOP EMOTIONAL CONTROL?

The next logical question that comes in mind, how can we develop such emotional power within us?

Remember that every one of us has the immense power within our mind to create and experience any emotion that we want at any point in our life. Emotional mastery is dependent on our ability to change our state of mind.

Most people take very little conscious action to direct their mental state. They wake up depressed or they wake up energized. Whatever way their morning starts, they spend their whole day with the same state of mind and never make any effort to change it. Some people try to change their states by using different techniques e.g. movies, food, alcohol, smoking exercising or they even might take drugs to experience ecstasy for a brief moment. But the results of most of these approaches are neither lasting nor helpful as may create additional physical and psychological problems in the long run.

Psychological and Physical State

Our state of mind is determined by two factors; first is our interpretations, how we interpret things and events and second is our physiology, how we use and mange our physical condition.

We all experience reality differently because everyone has different beliefs, attitudes, values, expectations and past experiences. Therefore, based on how we interpret things in our mind and what we tell ourselves about a situation actually determines our experience and our behavior. A change in your life may feel good to you but an exact same change in another person’s life may be the worst thing that has ever happened to him.

It is not what happens to you that matters. It is the way you represent what happens. So don’t let any person, situation or event decide for you how you should feel or react in any situation. Their perception of the world may be completely different from yours.

Our own physical condition, muscle tension, our body language, our posture, what we eat, how we breath all have a huge impact on our feelings and state of mind. There is a two way effect; our body affects our emotions and our emotions affect our body. The body language, posture and muscle tension of a happy, calm and confident person is completely different than of a person who is angry, sad or disappointed. So it is important to learn to use your physical condition to manage your emotions.

Powerful Emotional State

Every person has the ability to create within himself to create empowering mental and emotional state instantly. Here is how you can do that:

Keep your head high and shoulders down, breathe deep, look straight into the eyes of the person, talk in a firm rather than a weak voice, maintain appropriate balance or posture while sitting or standing. Stand stall and avoid slouching when sitting. Bring flow into your body movements and relax any tense muscles. Don’t forget to keep a smile on your face because it is physiologically impossible to feel bad if you are smiling. You will feel instant change in your emotions when you use your physiology appropriately.

As our diet affects our physiology, it ultimately influences our emotional state, perception and behavior. Some foods especially junk food may bring temporary joy make you lethargic and tiring afterwards. Therefore, consume the foods that bring long term positive impact on your health and wellbeing.  Eat more of the water-rich foods that make you feel vibrant and energetic. Just remember ‘we are what our food has eaten’.

PRACTICES FOR EMOTIONAL MASTERY

In the end, I would like to suggest you to adopt three daily practices to put a mental recharge into your schedule to develop emotional control and mastery:

1. Meditate for at least 10 minutes daily. Meditation makes us feel relaxed, aware of our emotions and it controls our destructive thinking patterns.
2. Exercise: It is as important for our mental health as for our physical health. Make it a habit to exercise daily even for a few minutes because motion creates positive emotions.
3. Keep an emotional journal: Write down one negative emotion you have felt during the day no matter how small it is. It will help you understand your thinking patterns and make you more conscious of your emotional state all the time.

But emotional mastery requires time and dedicated effort. It is not easy to develop emotional control that’s why so many people give up. But once you are able to control your emotions, your life will change in ways you may have never imagined. You will feel empowered and in control of your circumstances. There will be no signs of stress, fear, anxiety or anger and you will live a much happy and emotionally healthy life.

In the end, a question for you:

What emotions overwhelm you the most? How do you control those emotions?

SUMMARY

• Emotions are the driving force that determines the quality of our life. All we want is good positive emotions and avoid negative emotions.
• They are generated by external sources ‘ people, situations’ and internal sources ‘ our own thinking’.
• The first thing to mange emotions is to increase our awareness and understanding of emotions instead of suppressing them.
• You have the power to choose your response to any negative emotion triggered by the external circumstances.
• You can change your state of mind by changing the perception and interpretation of the event.
• Use your body language, expressions, posture and overall demeanor to control your emotions.
• Finally, we discussed that meditation, exercise and journaling are the daily practices that help us not only control our emotions but develop emotional mastery.